


Face of Reality

by RemianDemian



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Humanstuck, Multi, death mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-08-11 17:51:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7902097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RemianDemian/pseuds/RemianDemian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When it comes to his Boyfriend's death, Cronus would rather change what reality looks like than face it...so why not put a new and easier to look at face on reality?</p><p>Karkat just wants the chance to be close to his brother like they never got to be in life...maybe Kankri's boyfriend can provide that chance....</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

What I think was really fucked up was he didn’t come to the funeral.  People who cared way more and way less sat through that damn service and saw my brother get buried but his fucking boyfriend blew that shit off.

He blew everything off apparently, just dropped off the face of the fucking planet for three weeks.  So you can imagine how I felt when Cronus Ampora just showed up at our house like that was normal.

Or okay.

* * *

“What the fuck are you doing here-Go away!” Karkat moved to slam the door in his face but Cronus caught it.

“Hey just let me in for a sec-sorry I blew shit off. Fly-by-night business trip with my dad you know how it gets.”

“No I don’t.” Karkat said but didn’t try to shove the door shut.  “Did none of it matter to you? Do you really think That ‘Oh I was off fucking around with my dad on goddamn Business’ is an excuse?! What’s your problem!”

“Whoa, Whoa, Chief! Calm down!” Cronus grabbed Karkat’s hands. “I’m sorry. I know It was hard…I would’ve been there if I could’ve but I couldn’t…I’m sorry, Kanny, Babe.”

Karkat furrowed his brow.  “What did you just call me?”

“Kanny? Babe? What’s it to ya, Chief? I always call you that.” Cronus smirked and leaned down close and closed the distance between their lips, kissing him gently.

Karkat’s reaction was delayed in shock but then tried to shove Cronus off but he grabbed Karkat’s wrists, staying leaned in close but breaking the kiss.

“You can be mad later, just let me have this now.” He kissed him again.  “I would’ve come. Hospitals freak me out but I would’ve come.”  Another kiss.

Karkat was torn between his confusion and his fury that Cronus would do something like this. Then Cronus put a hand on his chest and Karkat looked down at it.

His heart clenched. Red fabric that made up the red sweater that Karkat was wearing.

He’d started wearing it sometimes over the last few weeks. He used to mock this sweater mercilessly but now…well, when you wear something constantly it tends to smell like you.

And remind people of you.

And maybe in some kind of (stupid childish and probably not 100% healthy way of grieving a loss) way made Karkat feel better when he started missing Kankri.

The first time he’d done it his dad had flipped out and demanded Karkat take it off. They’d fought about that but eventually his dad said it was alright and he could wear it. Despite the fact that while wearing it Karkat looked like a slightly younger version of Kankri.

Probably about how Kankri looked when he and Cronus had started dating.

“Hey don’t cry…” Cronus said, reaching up to wipe away a tear from Karkat’s face.

Karkat roughly shoved him away. “JUST LEAVE! GET OUT!” he screamed.  “KANKRI IS GONE YOU WORTHLESS EXCUSE OF A PARTNER SO GO AWAY!

“Kan-”

“OUT!”

“…Okay. I’ll go…I’m sorry. I lov-”

“Don’t you fucking finish that sentence!” Karkat said, tears still streaming down his face.

Cronus left, glancing back at Karkat once. He looked so hurt.

Honestly Karkat didn’t care.

But once Cronus was gone he ran up to his room, burying his face in a pillow and sobbed. He hadn’t even cried like this at Kankri’s funeral…

Karkat sat up and took off the red sweater, looking at it but laying back down and just hugging it, face buried in it.

He wanted to be done crying about this but somehow it felt like he never could.

His lips felt Weird-Why did Cronus have to show up-What was his problem?! Karkat had never been so delusional to try to pretend Kankri was alive! Apparently Cronus was though.

…Did Cronus really miss Kankri that much that that seemed like a good option?

Karkat sighed and rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling and still holding the red sweater.

At least Cronus had left now. And Karkat figured he wouldn’t come back.

He hoped he wouldn’t come back. 

* * *

 

 Hey Babe. I’ve been thinking about you a lot the last few weeks. I’m sorry I didn’t come see you...It wouldn’t have been good. You really fucked me up, Chief.

You probably wouldn’t like me saying that but it’s true.  I kinda went off the deep end for a while after your accident but you never cared about my issues. I mean, you did but you didn’t care like you were a dick about it.

I miss that.

I miss you.

I guess that’s why I stopped by your place today and you were there. Like I said, you fuck me up chief, suddenly being places when you can’t be. Or looking quite right.

I dunno what got into me. Another episode or something I guess. I dunno, thinking too hard about the times I get weird like that makes my head hurt-you know that.

Fuck it’s cold out here but I can’t let dad smell smoke in the house again. Like my habits are any worse than his-have you seen what’s in his liquor cabinet?

No…you always lectured me when I suggested we go in there. Probably a good thing-I don’t need any more bad habits.

Anyway I know you’re upset but it was still good seeing you tonight even if you were angry…or if maybe you looked younger than normal…a little unlike yourself…

…Fuck it wasn’t you, was it?

I want it to be.

I miss you.

I love you.

Goodnight, Babe. See you soon, Kanny.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

I remember when my brother got that stupid sweater.  Well, the first one. He was eight and I was five and our “Cousin” (well, she’s our Aunt but she’s only a few years older than Kankri so more like a cousin) made it for him for Christmas.

That thing was fucking ugly. I mean, a middle-schooler who had just learned to knit made it so no one was expecting miracles but it was really, really, ugly.

Kankri pretended to love it.  Then I guess he actually did because later on when she made him a new and better one he actually liked it.

I still told him it was an ugly piece of shit I wouldn’t use for a dog bed.

Why did I do that?

I hope that in whatever the Afterlife is-there’d better be one-Kankri can’t see me. When I die I don’t want to find out how self-satisfied he was I’m wearing it so much.

I should just put it in his closet with his other stuff….

* * *

Karkat opened up a box labelled ‘K.A.V’.  He had been so pissed off when his dad had written that on there.

“No one’s gonna remember what that means! We all have the same initials!” He had shouted…and been ignored.

Karkat looked at those letters for a moment before scratching ‘Jr.’ into the cardboard flap with his fingernail. He’d write it on instead later if he could find a marker.

He folded up the sweater and planned to put in inside, but looked at what was sitting on top of the boxes contents first.

A few photographs and some…trinkets and a folded up letter inside of a snapback hat. It’s white with a purple brim.

Karkat took them out. The photo looks like it’s from when Kankri was in 8th grade and you recognize Kankri and Cronus in it immediately with some friends. Kankri looks so annoyed at the way Cronus has his arm lazily about him.

They started dating in highschool. This couldn’t have been more than 8 months before that.

One of the other photos Karkat had seen before. It’s from last Hanukkah/Christmas. They went caroling. In the picture Cronus and Kankri had flushed faces and Kankri is smiling-actually full on laughing smiling.

Karkat couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen that smile in person. He blinked a few times to get rid of tears before looking at the last photo.

It’s older-from elementary school. Someone’s written ‘fetus nerds’ on it in the corner and circled a few faces.  Kankri is one of them-Cronus is definitely another.

The trinkets are all simple. A friendship bracelet. A necklace with the Aquarius sign on it. And a candle in the shape of a purple shell.

By now Karkat was pretty sure this stuff all belonged with Cronus. The hat definitely was so everything in it might’ve been his too…or had to do with him.

Karkat looked at it, then to the sweater, then back at the stuff.

Then he grabbed the hat full of things, the sweater and took them back to his room and put them in his backpack.

“Dad…? You home?” Karkat looked into his dad’s room. “Um…I’m going for a walk. I might go to John’s…Yeah…I’m going to walk the bike trail through the park most of the way though.”

“Good. Be safe-keep your phone on you and if you aren’t going to be home for dinner call by five and…And let your mother know where you are too.” He didn’t look up from his book.

Karkat was a little surprised by the comment to actually tell his mother where he was but nodded.

“Sure…bye.” He left, texting his mom on the way out.

Karkat always felt weird about this mom. She’s essentially walked out on all of them for two years, came back into their lives, got legally divorced from Karkat’s dad and now…well, she was doing alright. She had a new husband and stepkids and they’d adopted another kid together.

And she and Karkat’s dad were civil normally but didn’t talk…until after Kankri died. Karkat didn’t know what to think about it.

Maybe it made them feel a little closer to Kankri like the red sweater did for him…

…that’s why he needed to do this.

Karkat got his bike out of the garage and starting riding, eventually making it where he wanted to go: The Ampora’s.

Karkat left his bike in the driveway, went up to the door and took a deep breath before knocking.

Eridan answered the door.

“Kar?”

“Hey uh, this is weird but I’m here to see Cronus…I um, have some of his stuff…that… that Kankri had….” Karkat’s voice got quieter and Quieter.

“Oh.” Eridan said. “Uh, well, I’m leaving actually-I have to uh, go to Fef’s but Cronus is home I’ll show to his room I guess?”

“Thanks.” Karkat said and came in. He knew Eridan okay. They used to be closer in middle school but then they went to different high schools and grew apart a little. They still talked sometimes.

Eridan showed Karkat which room it was but then quickly walked away. Karkat saw him glance back once. Karkat sighed. He knew what it was about. More than one person had gotten like this since Kankri died, not sure how Karkat was or what to say to the point where they just avoided him to avoid being uncomfortable.

It kinda sucked. And hurt.

Karkat knocked on the door. Cronus opened it.

“Uh..hey, Karkat.” Cronus said.

Karkat sighed and pushed into the room around Cronus.  And set his backpack down. “Look I have some stuff for you that was in Kankri’s things. Here.” He pulled out the photos, the trinkets, the still-folded letter and the hat. “…And I think you should have this.” He threw the sweater at Cronus too.

Cronus caught it easily, holding it tightly and staring at it, then looking to Karkat.

“Right so, I’m gonna leave now and-FUCK!” Karkat said as Cronus jumped at him, pulling the sweater over Karkat’s head. Karkat struggled but ended up held firmly against a wall by Cronus, sweater over his head like a poncho.

Cronus looked at Karkat intensely.   “Tell me I’m problematic.”

“What?!”

“Just say it, man.”

“You’re problematic and if you kiss me again I swear I will tell someone and I will find some way to get you fucked up with sexual assault charges I’m a minor you know!”

Karkat wasn’t sure what he expected at this point but it wasn’t a hug. Not a big tight hug.

“Come on, Kanny. You know I’d never hurt you.” Cronus murmured, keeping Karkat held close. “I’m sorry I piss you off sometimes but I never mean to.”

“…Oh don’t pull this shit!” Karkat yanked away. “Kankri is dead! He’s staying dead! Acting like I’m him won’t make him come back!”

“You say that like you don’t want him back too.” Cronus said. He looked tired and like he might cry but blinked the tears away. “Going around wearing his clothes like that when you look like him.”

“...everyone grieves differently respect how I grieve and I’ll respect how you do-besides kissing random teenagers-even if that meant skipping the funeral-”

“-Fuck man you sound like him even.” Karkat paused at those words from Cronus.  “Somehow I’m the bad guy here when you’re trying to be Kankri? That’s messed up.”

“Well excuse the fuck out of me for missing him!” Karkat snapped and pushed past Cronus.

Cronus grabbed him by the wrist. “Wanna hear a story about him? About the first time we kissed-he ever tell you about that?”

“…no.”

“Wanna hear?”

Karkat wanted to say no and walk away. He wanted to tell Cronus to fuck off.

But more than that he wanted to hear all those stories that Kankri never shared. All those personal things Kankri kept close to his chest.

All the stuff he might’ve shared if Karkat had ever bothered show any interest in his brother’s life.

“…tell me.” Karkat said.

“finish putting on the sweater first.” Cronus said. Karkat hesitated but did it.

He sat down on the edge of Cronus’s bed with him, looking down at their feet.  Karkat took a deep breath.

“Okay. Now tell me.”

* * *

You gotta remember the first time we kissed, Babe.

You gotta remember how many times I tried to kiss you before that point and you shut me down.  Then one night you leaned in and told me to kiss you.

You were always so vocal about everything. It made it easy to know what you wanted though.

I’m so glad you wanted me.

But yeah. It was fall and we were fourteen and at the Peixes’s place and it was late but Meenah had fireworks so we watched her set them off over the lake and you said that now would be a good time to kiss me.

I wonder if I was a good kisser then.

I think I am now.

I’d ask you but…

Kankri I want you here so bad.

Bad enough that I want to hug your brother-cuddle him like we do.

…. Holy fuck, he’s letting me.

Sorry right, no swearing. Sorry Chief.

But Fuck, Kanny, he looks just like you. A little smaller and a little angrier but if he just doesn’t talk…like right now.

He even kisses like you. He fits in my arms like you. He fits in your sweater like you.

He’s just like you.

He could be you.


	3. Chapter 3

I stayed in the shower for almost an hour after I got home from the Amporas. I was trying to think and my dad had gone out so no one was home to yell at me for being in the shower too long. 

I only turned it off when I finally ran out of hot water.  I still wasn’t done thinking.

I let him kiss me.  What the fuck is my problem?! I let Cronus fucking Ampora kiss me just by telling me some stupid story about his first kiss with my DEAD brother?

That is so fucked up.

This is so so fucked up…

Is that my phone ringing?

This number isn’t in my contacts…

It can’t hurt to answer.

* * *

“Hello?” Karkat said

“Hey, Kan-Karkat...Karkat.” came the voice on the other end. “Uh, It’s Cronus. So um, I was talking to Eridan and I guess I owe you an apology.”

“Okay?” Karkat said.  “Look we both just aren’t in great places right now because of…of Kankri so let’s pretend it didn’t happen and leave each other alone?”

“Well. I mean, we could do that…Or you’re welcome to come over whenever. I’ll tell you more stories if you want-not only about when we were dating I’ve been…I was Kankri’s friend since we were four after all…And I would mind seeing you wearing that sweater again….”

Karkat knew he should say no. That there was absolutely no way this was going to go okay but….

...But someone who could tell him something about his brother he didn’t already know…and someone who didn’t mind when he wore the red sweater…liked it even…

…and surely since he’d apologized once Cronus wouldn’t try anything…weird again, right?

Right?”

“Karkat? Hey, Vantas?”

“I’m still here.” Karkat responded.  “And…I’m free after school Friday.”

“…when’re you done?”

“Three-Thirty.”

“I’ll see you by four.”

* * *

“Hey Karkat.”

“Hey Dave.” Karkat said, looking over at his friend4as he started alongside him. “What’s up?”

“Not much man-you free Friday?”

“Ah…no…sorry…Next week.” Karkat said.

“Dude this is the third week in a row you’ve said ‘next week’.” Dave pointed out. “What going on?”

“Is it? Ah fuck look it’s…Just stuff, okay? We’ll hang out soon.”

“Is it family stuff?”

“Kinda….” Karkat looked away.

“Is it about your brother…?”

Karkat whipped his head back up ot look at Dave, glaring at him.

“Not everything is about Kankri, alright?!”

“Whoa, okay, okay, sorry. I just thought-”

“You? Think? Yeah right.”

“Karkat calm the fuck down.” Dave grabbed Karkat’s hand. “Look, I just want to spend some time with you. As Bros. like we normally do. Forget about the crap we both have for a while-pretend like we don’t give a fuck about it.”

“I do too! Just…not Friday…” Karkat sighed. “Saturday night? Would that work?”

“Yeah. We’ll make that work.” Dave let go.

“Fine…I have to go-I’ll talk to you later.” Karkat said.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Dave. I will talk to you later-I promise…I need to go.” Karkat said and quickly walked away.

He didn’t mean to blow off his friends. Especially not Dave…but lately…

Karkat checked his phone as he walked home.

Cronus.

‘hey, you coming still?’

‘YEAH. GOT HELD UP. IT’S NOT EVEN THAT LATE.’

‘Okay. See you soon.’

* * *

“Look I’m just saying he’s gonna become a crazy old shut-in cat lady at this rate.”

“Karkat’s not gonna become a cat lady, Dave.” John told him. “I mean, he lost his brother.  He’s still dealing with stuff, right?” the pair were sitting playing a video game at John’s house.

“I thought that too until he kept getting more and more busy-when was the last time you saw him outside of school?” Dave asked.

“Um…three weeks ago? It was a few days after the…funeral…” John said.

“Exactly-that’s not normal, John.”

“Wow, you really care about this, don’t you?” John pointed out.

“So what?”

“Player one wins!” the game chimed. John groaned. Dave was player one….and this was the third time in a row he’d won.

Dave smiled faintly and looked to John. “Best out of seven?”

“ugh, sure, why not?” John smiled. “Not like I have anything better to do on a Friday night?”

“What got a hot date? Or is that me? Am I the hot date? I’m honored Egbert, really.”

“Dave!” John laughed. “Just start the game.”

“Whatever you say, man. You know you’d get with this, straight or not.” Dave commented and started the game, trying to keep his mind off of Karkat.

Trying to not wonder what was going on. Or worry…

* * *

Meenah asked me to come over tonight and hang out with the group. I didn’t want to…not without you. Everyone is so…couple-y. I don’t mind Aranea and Meenah hanging off of each other (that’s kinda hot actually) or even Rufioh and Horuss...Or Damara. Or Horuss. I don’t even know what they’re all doing anymore. My point is, babe, I don’t want to go out. Not without you.

It’s better to just stay home. At least here I have _this_ …You. Maybe it is just you.

Even if it isn’t we aren’t doing anything. We’re just curled up and watched a movie together. We were talking before Though-I told that story about when I almost drove into the river with you in the passenger seat. You’re a better listener since the accident but I’ll never tell you that aloud. Not worth the lecture.

You don’t lecture so much now though. Should I ask you what’s wrong? Is something wrong?

Nah. Probably not. This all feels so right. You sleeping against my chest in the red sweater of yours while your favorite movie plays in the background. You must’ve been tried to fall asleep with it playing. You made me put it in, told me you wanted to ‘see if I knew what your favorite movie was’

As if I could forget. I can’t forget anything about you. You’re the most important person in my life.

“Cronus.” I look up. Eridan’s standing in the doorway. “why is Kar here?”

“What?”

“Karkat. The kid you have curled up on you like a puppy who is how many years younger than you?”

“…Eridan you need to get your glasses checked out this is Kankri.” I tell him. Because it is…right?

Right?

He doesn’t think so.

“Cronus that is Karkat. I’ll prove it.” Eridan says, comes over and shakes you awake

“No!” I snap but he ignores me and when you wake up…

…you respond to the name Karkat. You apologize for falling asleep…you leave…

I fight with Eridan about ti for a while but eventually I’m left alone in my room.

By myself….

...without you…

…why’d that stupid accident have to happen? I want you hear. I want to hear your ‘lessons’ and rants. I miss you listening to me and loving me and the fact you were the only guy who could convince me to try to stand up to dad…

…at least that helped once. It got me my meds once…I haven’t had the refilled in a while…

…I could do it myself-I’m an adult technically…

…No. I don’t need them.

I’m fine.

I’ll just call you quick and then I’ll be fine.

It’s ringing.

Why is your number out of service?!?!

Oh wait…

New number…

You pick up.

“Hello?”

“Hey. You left in a hurry.” I say.

“Uh yeah, I had to get home. I have stuff to get Done-I’m not going to slack off chores and papers and stuff just to nap at your place like a bum.”

“Makes sense. I still wish you would’ve stayed.”

“…Next time.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll call you later, Cronus. I’m kinda busy.”

“I know, it’s cool. See you, Kanny.”

“…..”

“Babe?”

“Yeah I’ll see you soon, bye.”

You hang up but I already feel assured.

You’re okay.

You’re okay.

I’m okay.


	4. Chapter 4

It’s been Two months and Five Days since Kankri got hit by a car. It’s been Two Months and Five Days since the driver of that car died but only Two Months and Four days since Kankri died.

And Exactly Two Months since his funeral.

It’s also Two Months until his Birthday.

It still hurts if I think about it too hard.

But here’s the thing: I’m not thinking about it so hard all the time anymore.

And half the time I think about Kankri is when I’m with Cronus….

…and then it’s not so much thinking….

It’s being.

Is that bad?

I mean. Kankri was such a private guy even to mom and dad. Especially Dad. When mom came back he let her waltz back in and opened up more to her than he ever did to me and dad.

But that still doesn’t compare to how he was with his friends. Or to Cronus.

Fuck, I didn’t even know Kankri was into Guys until he started dated Cronus. Cronus did though.  And that’s not all he knows.

Which is why I find myself at his place so much. Or in his car or anywhere with him. I mean, I hang out with my friends too, sure.  But being around Cronus is…nice. He talks about Kankri. I get to learn about him and it’s only a little weird when Cronus starts to forget that I’m not him.

I wonder if something’s wrong with him or if he’s just that fucked up by Kankri dying. I don’t care.

I don’t have to deal with it. I go home when I want and go back to my life.

But sometimes I don’t want to…

I’d rather stay where I am right now.

Wearing this fucking sweater and laying on Cronus’s chest.

* * *

"I really need to go.”  Karkat said, getting up slowly.  “It’s getting late my dad’s gonna wonder where I am.”

“Tell him you’re here-or tell him you’re anywhere. Just tell him you’ll be gone all night.” Cronus pulled Karkat back down but Karkat pushed away.

“What? No! I’m not spending the night here!” Karkat said, alarmed. But it made him think: had Kankri done that? How many times?

“Babe you spend the night all the time.” Cronus said, effectively answering the silent question. Karkat bit his lip.

Cronus was thinking he was Kankri again…a situation Karkat had come to…well…he didn’t know how he felt about it but he let it happen. It seemed to make Cronus happy and it got him the chance to learn about his brother.

Like that apparently he’d frequently spent the night at his boyfriend’s.

“I really can’t stay tonight.” Karkat said, getting up. “I’ll call you later-we’ll talk, okay?”

“All we ever do is talk.” Cronus said, sounding disappointed. “you’ve always been all talk.”

“I never promised you anything else don’t pretend that I did.” Karkat said, feeling his stomach flip as he heard his voice take on a tone he normally only had heard from Kankri.

Karkat pulled off the red sweater and tossed it to Cronus. “Here. Why don’t you hold onto this for the night? I’ll come back for it later.” Karkat said before moving to the door.

“Wait!” Cronus said and tried to grab for Karkat. He succeeded in grabbing him, but also in falling off the bed, knocking Karkat over and ending up falling on top of him on the floor, the red sweater falling on top of them, covering their heads.

“Get. Off.” Karkat hissed, looking up at Cronus. Cronus didn’t move, looking at Karkat with a…confused expression. Then he leaned in closer as if intending to kiss him.

That set Karkat off.  “I SAID GET OFF!” he shouted.

“Whoa! Okay, I’m off!” Cronus said, finally moving and standing up, putting his hands up. “Sorry, Chief.”

“…Whatever.” Karkat said. He leaned down and picked up the red sweater and set in on Cronus’s desk.  “…Cronus…I’m not…”

“Not what…chief?”

“…Not gonna stay over. Not tonight.”

“Nah, It’s okay. I should know better than to push you.” Cronus said, stepping up to Karkat. “See you tomorrow?”

“…probably.” Karkat said. He had plans with Dave but, well, Dave would understand if he had to reschedule…again...right?

Right.

“Don’t forget your sweater.” Cronus said, handing it to him. Karkat took it and pulled it back on.

“Yeah…My sweater.” He said. “See you soon.”

“G’night, Babe.” Cronus said before Karkat left for home. “…Love you.”

* * *

“Hey you actually came.”

“Wow. Way to have some fucking faith in me, Dave.” Karkat said, entering Dave’s apartment and walking through it with Dave to his room.

“You have become pretty elusive, bro. I’m pretty sure the last time I saw you outside of school was at John’s for his birthday.

“Was n-” Karkat began to say then thought.

It had been John’s birthday…

“Well I’m here now. What’d you wanna do?” Karkat asked.

“Well I thought about planning some amazing outing or grand adventure but then decided, ‘Fuck it let’s do the same shit we always do that seems to work’.”

Karkat scoffed but smiled.  “Sounds good.”

This ended up meaning sitting on Dave’s bed playing video games followed by a movie that Karkat picked and insisted he liked until halfway through. By then they were both mercilessly making fun of the shitty, 90’s romcom Karkat had picked.

“What fuckery is this?! Don’t take him back!” Karkat shouted at the screen

“That’s right, bitches swoon for shitty pickup lines, works for me every time.” Dave said.

“Only if you’re the swooning bitch.” Karkat said.  “ Oh look: Excessive and poorly filmed makeouts. Fun.”

“Oh please we both know you’re the swooner in this Conversation-I think she’s gonna choke on his tongue.” Dave shot back.

“Am not! I could say any shit to you and you’d act like I asked you to marry me out of some kind of ironic bullshit.”

“probably mostly true.” Dave said. 

“Absolutely true.” Karkat said.

“At least I’m not a blusher like you.” Dave said. “literally everything makes you bright red.”

“As if.” Karkat said.  “You couldn’t make me blush if your obsessively weird apple juice stash depended on it.”

“could so.”

“Prove it.”

That was how Karkat found himself tackled down laying on his back on Dave’s bed with Dave holding him down by his hands and straddling his hips.

“~You’re blushing~ ” Dave trilled.

“Am Not!”

“Are so.” Dave leaned in closer, close enough his eyes were visible through his shades.  “I could make you blush brighter.”

“…” Karkat said nothing. Dave smirked faintly, interlacing his fingers with Karkat’s.

“Come on, where’s that bullshittery reply? No Shouty McLoudmouth response?”

“….”

“Karkat?” Dave started to pull back. “Dude you’re really red are you oka-”

“Are you gonna kiss me or what?” Karkat finally said.

“…Do you want me to? Seriously? Like actually because I mean not gonna lie I want to but shit, man I wasn’t even sure if you swung that way or whatever euphemism you wanna use for sexu-”

“Oh my fucking god shut up.” Karkat said and leaned up, closing the space between their lips. Dave obliged the request to shut up, kissing Karkat back, moving his hands to Karkat’s hair.

At first it was fine.

Better than fine.

Then the thought came to Karkat’s head about how different this was from kissing Cronus.

It wasn’t worse…different…maybe better?

Not really…Cronus was a better kisser actually but this _felt_ better…probably because it was Dave.

“Hey.” Dave had pulled back and was looking at Karkat. “this is cool, right?”

“What? Yeah of course it Is-I started it.” Karkat said.

“I know, man. Just seemed like you spaced out for a second there.” Dave said.

“I guess. Maybe. I was thinking.”

“About…?”

“What does this mean to you?” Karkat asked.

“Well, it means I like you and I’m figuring you like me too?”

“…Yeah but does th-”

Karkat was cut off by his phone ringing.  He swore under his breath but decided to answer it anyway.

“Hello?”

“Chief?! Kanny where are you?!”

Cronus...freaking out…oh fuck…

“I’m at Dave’s…” Karkat told him.

“What?”

“Dave Strider. What do you need?”

“…go wait outside I’m gonna come get you.”

“What?! No! Why a-” Karkat was cut off by Cronus hanging up on him. Karkat groaned in frustration.

“What’s up?” Dave asked.

“…I have to go. My dad is coming to get me.”  Karkat lied, knowing that he couldn’t tell Dave about this whole thing with Cronus…or at least he didn’t want to.

“Oh.”

“Yeah…Sorry…” Karkat got up.

“Hey, you can wait a few minutes for him to get here, chill.” Dave said.

“I should probably go wait outside.” Karkat said.

“Why is he coming so suddenly anyway? Did shit go down at home?”

“I…Don’t know?” Karkat said. “I need to go.” Karkat reached for the door.

Dave was up like a flash and stood in Karkat’s way. “Can’t you at least give me half a fuckin explanation here?”

“No I can’t so move.” Karkat said. “Now!”

“…Fine…” Dave stepped out of the doorway. “…What’s going on with you lately, Karkat? First time you have time in weeks with no explanation and suddenly your old man is picking you up like we’re in grade school again? Is something…wrong?”

“…It’s complicated.” Karkat looked away and quickly left the room and the apartment before Dave could get another word in.

Karkat ended up standing outside the apartment for ten minutes with his hands shoved in his pockets to keep them warm while he waited for Cronus, his thoughts getting more and more agitated while he waited.

Eventually though Cronus pulled up in front of the apartment in his car. Karkat didn’t know what kind of car it was except that it was old but meticulously cared for to the point where it looked brand new.

Must be nice being rich…

Karkat walked up to the car and got in, slamming the door behind himself.

“Hey K-”

“What the fuck it your fucking problem?!” Karkat snapped at Cronus. “Are you that much of an entitled prick you had to put me in the situation of walking out on someone to meet you?!”

“Whoa I didn’t make you do anything Dol-”

“Don’t call me nicknames I AM NOT YOUR DOLL!” Karkat said, getting angry.

“Calm down-give a guy a chance to explain himself!”

“How can you explain this?!” Karkat said. “It’s not like we had plans!”

“No apparently you have plans with a fuckin’ Strider!” Cronus huffed. “I know Dirk well enough to know that they’re bad new and you should be stayi-”

“DON’T tell me what do to!” Karkat snapped. “oh fuck this I’ll fucking walk home!” He grabbed the handle of the car door.

Cronus grabbed Karkat by the wrists and yanked him back and held him with his back against the car door.

“Don’t do this to me again, Vantas!” he said.  “Kanny you can’t keep telling me shit is fine-don’t give me hell for swearing right now I know you’re gonna-and you’re just friends with all those other guys because that’s never how they act! Why do you always make me worry like this?!”

“Let go!” Karkat was hardly listening to Cronus’s words. “nothing is going on with Dave so calm down and let go-This is not okay Cronus!”

“Are you even listening to me?!” Cronus gripped him tighter.

“Cronus you’re scaring me-stop it!” Karkat tried to yank away.

He didn’t need to. Cronus let go as if those had been the magic words and sat numbly in his seat for a moment.

“…I’m sorry chief I just…fuck I’m sorry…I get worried about you and all kinds of jealous, you know that…”

“You shouldn’t.” Karkat huffed.

“You gave me plenty of reason to be.” Cronus mumbled but sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “I won’t grab you like that again…just promise you aren’t gonna like some Strider bastard screw you over.”

“I won’t.” Karkat said quietly.

“And you promise nothing’s going on with you and Dave…?”

“…I promise.” Karkat mumbled. Dave probably wouldn’t be interested anymore after this anyway. Karkat rubbed his wrists. “Just take me home.”

“Okay.”

They drove in silence until they stopped in front of Karkat’s house.

“I am really sorry, Chief. You get that, right?”

“…I do. But that doesn’t make it okay for you-or anyone-to yank me around like that or randomly change my plans because what? You’re jealous? I can be friends with whoever I want. Get over it.”

“…you’re a lot more direct than you used to be. I like It.” Cronus said. “It’s sexy.”

“Oh please.” Karkat rolled his eyes. Cronus leaned over and kissed him, much to Karkat’s surprise…maybe he shouldn’t be surprised by it anymore…it seemed like this kept happening.

Cronus pulled back. “See you soon, babe.”

“...bye.” Karkat said and quickly got out of the car, ran inside and up to his room, simply calling out to his dad that he was home.

Once in his room he buried his face in a pillow.

_It fucking happened again…I’m not Kankri…why does he think I am? What’s wrong with him?_

_What’s wrong with me?_

_Oh fuck…Dave…_

Karkat reached for his phone and texted Dave

‘HEY I MADE IT HOME. WANT TO VIDEO CALL OR SOMETHING LATER?’ Maybe he could smooth this over…

‘nah man its cool I have stuff to do see you monday’ Dave responded almost immediately, essentially shutting Karkat down.

_And now Dave is pissed…fucking brilliant._

Karkat laid looking up at the ceiling, contemplating everything Cronus had said.

It honestly gave him even more questions about his brother than he’d ever had before.

Some of which he wasn’t sure he wanted the answer to…but also somehow felt he needed to know the answer to.

Getting anything out of Cronus who seemed to expect him to remember things Kankri had done was a pain and confusing though…

…Maybe someone else had the answers…

Maybe someone close to Cronus?

Karkat picked his phone back up and scrolled through his contacts until he found the number he needed.

‘HEY ERIDAN CAN WE TALK IN PERSON?’

‘IT’S ABUOT CRONUS.’

‘does it havve to do wwith wwhy i had to deal wwith one of his ‘episodes’ tonight’

‘KINDA. ARE YOU FREE TOMORROW?’

‘yes.’

‘can you come here?’

‘YEAH SURE.’

‘one o’clock. Don’t be late’

‘SEE YOU.’

 

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

“You’re late.”

“By two fucking minutes.” Karkat said, stepping inside. Eridan huffed.

“It’s still rude. Come on.” Eridan said, leading Karkat through the house and up to his room. “Cronus isn’t here right now by the way. Father dragged him off somewhere. But that’s fairly normal.”

“Yeah I’d kinda...figured that out…” Karkat said, looking around Eridan’s room. He never been in here. He hadn’t been sure what to expect. Cronus’s room was a complete mess with books and papers strewn on his desk and clothes that had only made it halfway to the hamper.

Eridan had everything arranged meticulously. A halfway-open closet door even showed clothing organized by color in rainbow-order.

“So what exactly is this about, Kar?” Eridan said, sitting down in his desk chair.  Karkat couldn’t help but notice that he sat up straight. Especially since Cronus had the tendency to sprawl across things when he sat down.

“Exactly what I told you?” Karkat sat on the edge of the bed.

“All you said was this was about Cronus.” Eridan commented.

“Okay. Is he…okay? Like what’s…” Karkat tried to think of the right word to explain.

“What’s wrong with him.” Eridan finished for him. “Fuck if I know.”

“Seriously?! He’s your brother!”

“Yes because everyone knows everything about their brothers just like you.” Eridan said.

“You aren’t seriously going to bring fucking Kankri into this, are you?!” Karkat snapped.

“Not yet.” Eridan said. “Just because I don’t know why Cronus is like he is doesn’t mean I can’t tell you what he does.” Eridan adjusted his glasses. “Ever since I was little he’s had these weird…episodes I call them. Sometimes it was like panic attacks. Other times like he’s completely lost track of reality. Like he doesn’t like what he sees so he makes up something else and convinces himself it’s true.”

“Oh.” Karkat said. Unsure what else to say.  It explained some of Cronus’s behavior at least.

“Honestly Father just pretends it isn’t happening or tries to slap him out of it so it’s my problem apparently.” Eridan said. “Well, it is now. Kankri used to deal with him more than me. Now then, that’s your answer. Let me get one: What are you and Cronus doing?”

“I wish a fucking knew.” Karkat said. “He…look, how frequent are his episodes?”

“It varies.” Eridan said. “Why?”

“Well he…nothing.”

“Is this about him thinkin’ your Kankri?” Eridan question Karkat seemed surprised.

“You know about that?!”

“it came out during Cronus’s mini meltdown last night.” Eridan said. “I’m not surprised he’d try to bring him back like this. He was basically Cro’s security blanket when they weren’t fighting.”

“Fighting?” Karkat said. Cronus had always made it seem like he and Kankri had the perfect relationship…then again…that thing in the car….

“Well in the last month or two before Kankri…passed on they seemed to always be yelling at each other about something.” Eridan said.  “I dunno, I stayed out of their business. Father didn’t though. Not surprising considering what he expects of Cro-”

A door slamming could be heard downstairs and Eridan looked towards the door.

“Hello?” Eridan called out.

“Hey I’m home! Dad let me off the hook early for once!” Cronus called out from downstairs. “I saw the bike-You here, Karkat?”

 _At least he knows it’s me_ Karkat thought before moving towards the door.

“Yeah I’m h-Holy fuck!” Karkat said as Cronus was standing right there when he opened the door.

“Whoa, didn’t mean to scare you, sorry, babe.” Cronus said.  “Hey, as long you’re here wanna watch a movie?”

“We’re busy.” Eridan piped up. “So le-”

“Yeah I’d like that; you can pick the movie.” Karkat said quickly, cutting Eridan off.

“…sure.” Cronus said and left the room with Karkat, going to set up the movie in the living room before Karkat came and sat next to him on the couch. Cronus didn’t hesitate to put an arm around him.

Karkat watched the movie in silence for a minute or two before speaking up.

“Cronus…can I ask you something?”

“Whatever you want, Chief, what’s up?”

“I was talking to Eridan before...”

“…yeah?”

“Well, He said before Kankri…had his accident,” Karkat chose his words carefully. Something he rarely did. But saying Kankri was dead didn’t go well with Cronus…so he avoided it like the plague, “you guys were fighting a lot.”

“Yeah,  I guess but it was stupid shit, don’t worry about it.”  Cronus glazed over the question.

“Eridan didn’t make it sound that way…” Karkat said.

“Well Eridan doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He doesn’t get what happened.”

“Well what happened?” Karkat asked. “Just tell me already.”

“I said it was nothing.” Cronus said more sharply before mumbling.  “s’your fault anyway…”

“MY Fault?!” Karkat stood up, “What the fuck do you mean by that?!”

“Well I mean, you make it kinda hard to tell you shit when you go behind my back and hang out with Strider.”

“I didn’t go behind your back- I don’t have to tell you everything I do you’re my boy-”

“-Your what? Your boyfriend? The Fuck do you call this then?” Cronus gestured at the room around them.

“I-I…Look this isn’t about me! This is about Kankri! Okay?!” Karkat snapped. “So fucking sue me for wanting to know about my brother-this isn’t even worth my time though if you won’t _tell_ me anything!”

Karkat could feel his ears turning red-they always did when he was worked up and would be quickly followed by the rest of his face.

 “Oh, you wanna make this about that?! Fine! I’ll tell you stuff-Did you know this was your favo-Kankri's favorite movie? He loved this sappy shit, did you know that? kinda like you-a lot like you really.” Cronus said. “You’re a lot alike. He would’ve hated that I’ll bet. He thought of himself as original. Him against the world.  But you’re like that too, aren’t you?” Karkat glared but Cronus kept talking. “Maybe that’s why you wanna know about him so bad. Because he’s just like you.  He kept everything real close to his chest. ‘cept to me-I know everything you wanna know.” Cronus looked right at Karkat. “I know a lot about you too. Like that you try to make out you’re a tough guy but you really want people to like you.  Just like him. You really care about people but they don’t get it-they don’t get you. You wanna be able to do it all on your own but you need help sometimes…a nice touch, a compliment…you don’t get that a lot from your parents. Just like him. You got plenty of friends-oh fuckloads, don’t you? But they don’t really get you or know you. You’d have to let them close to you to do that and that’s a risk. You aren’t risking anything with me though. I already know it all.”

Karkat wasn’t sure when he sat back down but, obviously, he had because he found himself leaning against the couch’s armrest with Cronus halfway on top of him, dangerously close to his face.  Karkat could feel his heart pounding but also all sorts of emotions and thoughts being tossed around. He didn’t want Cronus to be right right now...but he was…wasn’t he?

“I already know what you need. And What you wanna know so just stick with me, okay, babe? You know I’ll treat you right. I treated him right...so I already know what you’ll like. Just watch me.” He said and kissed Karkat, pressing into it.

Karkat found himself kissing back. He had no clue what else to do.

This didn’t feel right.

But it felt good.

“Sorry for ranting, Kanny, Babe…It’ll be okay though…M’sorry.” Cronus mumbled against Karkat’s lips.

 “…It’s alright…can we finish the movie?” Karkat whispered. 

“Yeah I know how much you like it.” Cronus got off of Karkat slowly but kept him close.

Karkat rested his head against Cronus but he could still feel his own heart pounding and stomach twisting…something more felt wrong and he wasn’t sure what.

It was a full ten minutes before Karkat put a finger on it.

Cronus had called him ‘Kanny’ again.

* * *

I never really got why you liked this movie so much.  It’s just dumb sappy shit. But now I watch it all the time. It reminds me of your when you aren’t here.

I don’t mean to get mad at you but you get that it’s just…it’s just a rough patch. Like that night you stormed out and went to _his_ house. I was so pissed. But I was more pissed that my old man made me take off with him on some bullshit business trip after that. What an S.O.B….

You haven’t been corrected my swearing much. I guess You’re used to it now, huh? Eh, I’ll still try harder not to. I wanna keep you happy.

Well, I came back and now here we are. Dunno why you brought that fight…doesn’t matter.

I have you...

I….

...No wait….

Fuck….

I have him…

I have you…

It’s basically the same. Right?

Right?

Right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

“Dave!” Karkat pushed his way through the school hallways towards where he saw Dave. He still hadn’t managed to get more than a few words out of him online since he’d last seen him at the Strider’s apartment.

“Dave.” Karkat said again when he caught up to him.  “Can we talk?”

“Or we could go to class-that is what school is for. Big shock, right? School is made for learning. Grass is green, fire is hot, the pope is catholic. I’ll let you ponder these revelations for a while.” Dave moved to walk away.

Karkat reached out and grabbed Dave’s sleeve. “Don’t be like this-I just want to talk! I’m sorry about the other night.”

“Noted.” Dave gently pulled his arm away. “Vantas…Look, I’ll say this once. I want to know what’s going on. You’ve been acting different, you’ve been distant-fuck, do you know how worried John is you aren’t talking to him? And now that other night…what is happening?” Dave asked.

“Nothing-What do you mean I’m different?!” Karkat huffed. “I’m not!”

“Yeah actually you are. You’re distant. You’re never online, your swearing is at an all-time low-fuck, you’re even comb your hair different, so stop bullshitting me and yourself that things are the same.”

“…Well you changed things first….” Karkat said weakly.

“Not really-we both knew we were going that direction…I still would if you’d tell me what’s going on.” Dave said. He reached out and took hold of Karkat hand. “…I’m worried about you.”

Karkat said nothing. Dave let go.

“Fine. Catch you later.” Dave said and walked away and Karkat watched him go.

“Hey best friend!” Came a cheery voice from behind Karkat

“Fuck!” Karkat startled. “Don’t sneak up on people!” he said as he whipped around and glared up at Gamzee Makara.

“A’ight.” Gamzee said.  The bell warning them they had two minutes to class went off. “You gonna walk with to class?”

“Fine.” Karkat said and walked along with Gamzee.

“You gonna tell me what’s up with Dave?”

“No.”

“You gonna tell me what’s up with Cronus?”

Karkat tensed. “You…What do you mean?”

“I mean Eridan talks to Equius who likes to get on my ass about shit soooo I know you’ve been over there a lot.”

“Fucki-I forgot you got kicked out of snob school.”

Gamzee shrugged. “Here’s better anyway. No rich kids, no nuns…and I got you!”

“Whatever.” Karkat said. “….Look it’s…complicated…”

“Okay.” Gamzee said. “I guess you’re coming over after school then?”

“I never said that.”

“I did. A brother wants to know what’s bugging you-what’s all up in that head of yours. So I’ll see you after school!” Gamzee ducked into his classroom.

“….Fine.” Karkat said and went to his class

* * *

The kind of house the Makara’s lived in completely misrepresented the kind of people they were.  Meaning, the house looked normal.

Karkat went right in, knowing that knowing was pointless anyway and the door was unlocked. He went right up to Gamzee’s room and found that fortunately he had beat him there.

“Heeeeey.” Gamzee dragged out the word and sat up from where he was lounging on his bed. Gamzee’s room was perpetually a mess. Karkat had told him once it looked like ‘his closet had puked on everything.’

“Hi.” Karkat said, tossing his bag on the floor and sitting by Gamzee. “So…you really wanna hear what’s going on?”

“Yup! Just let all out to breath, Karbro.”

“Look…this is all gonna sound really weird…”

“Okay.” Gamzee said, still smiling.  Karkat took a deep breath.

“Alright…so about Cronus-” Karkat began explaining the whole thing. How he’d been feeling since his brother died, Cronus’s delusions, Karkat pandering to those delusions, their…relationship….and how Dave had gotten involved.”

“-And…I know you don’t like Dave that much but…I think…I think I like him a lot.”

“Think you wanna be with him?” Gamzee asked.

“…Maybe? But I mean…Cronus…Fuck I’d have to tell him about all that and that’s just…it’s just really mixed up.”

“Yeah.” Gamzee said. He hugged Karkat around the shoulders. “But you’ll sort it out. You’re smart. Just depends what you want.”

“What do you mean?” Karkat asked.

“I mean what I’m saying, motherfucker. What do you want? Strider-motherfucker though he is-who loves you for you but you don’t know what’s gonna happen. Or, you got Ampora who you know what ot expect from him…mostly. But he doesn’t love you. He loves some dead guy.”

“That Guy is my brother!”

“Who you ain’t. But y’know, Dave’s right. Weird shit, right?” Gamzee looked at Karkat. “You’re getting different. And now I guess I know why-trying to be Kankri for that motherfucking boyfriend of his.”

“….I don’t want to _be_ Kankri I just…I wish I’d known him better.  We could’ve been close but we weren’t. And with mom never around and Dad still be…dunno…distant and weird and shit since Kankri d-died I…This is all I’ve got for my family a-and…”

“Awww, karbro…don’t need to cry about it.” Gamzee hugged the shorter boy tightly. “but if  brother’s gonna cry, let it all out….it’ll be okay.”

Gamzee didn’t let go until Karkat was done crying.  “Y’know, I get about losing family-you know I do.” He said. “But this ain’t gonna bring him back, It ain’t gonna give you a second chance. It ain’t gonna give you him. It’s giving you Cronus though-so. Do you want that Motherfucker or do you want Strider?” Gamzee asked.

“I…” Karkat rubbed away the rest of his tears. “…I’ll figure it out.”

“I know you will. You’re a smart motherfucker.” Gamzee smiled and ruffled Karkat hair.

“Hey!” Karkat huffed. Gamzee laughed.

“Come on, let’s play a game or two, kick back for a bit, get your mind off shit.” Gamzee offered. “Could give you something to take the edge off?”

“You know I’m not gonna take it.” Karkat said. “Dunno why you still do-especially after getting kicked out of your old Highschool for having weed.”

Gamzee shrugged. “Didn’t like that place much anyway. But, I’ll get my chill on with the shit later if you ain’t taking any.”

“Thanks I think.” Karkat said. “So…what Game did you have in mind?”

* * *

Karkat got home later that night after Gamzee drove him home. Karkat was never quite sure how Gamzee passed his driving test but the fact stood that he had and gave Karkat rides frequently.

“See you tomorrow.”

“See you best friend!” Gamzee said and sped off as soon as Karkat was in the house.

“Dad? Are you home?” Karkat called out before looking around and finding a note of the counter reminding him his dad had had a business dinner that night. “Guess not then.”

Karkat went up to his room to put his backpack away before going to take a shower. When he came to his room after wards he saw he’d missed a call.

He picked up his phone and listened to the message.

_“Hey Chief! What’s up? Uh, not sure what you’re up to but group of us are gonna go out Friday night and I was thinking maybe you’d wanna come? Oh! We’re going to the Green Sun-You know you like the place, even you’re always ranting about ‘the club scene’.  I’m payin. Call me back, chief!”_

Karkat thought about the message for a while. It was Monday so he didn’t really have to decide just then.

He had plenty of time to decide.

And decide no…

But then his mind kept traveling back to two things:

First, kids his age were always clamoring about ‘the green sun’ in some sort of long-shot hope some bouncer would forget to check their ID and let them in (Which did raise the question how  Cronus got in at the age of 19) and while Karkat constantly complained about ‘kids his age’ maybe the idea of going excited him a little.

Second, Cronus’s message implied they’d been before Kankri might like clubbing (seemed odd) and their friends would be around….

Kankri’s friends….

“…oh fuck it.” Karkat said. “…I’ll go…but then it’s over!” He said and dialed Cronus’s Number.

“Hi…Yeah I got your message…Yeah. I’ll come.”


	7. Chapter 7

I’ve have never felt more awkward in my life.

I’m standing here wearing clothes I don’t like with my hair exactly how I hate it practically pressed against a guy who may or may not think I’m my dead brother right now.

And I’m so excited.  We’re just waiting on the rest of Cronus’s friends and then we can go in with them - what are they gonna think about me being here?

What if they tell me to leave?

Oh shit, here comes Meenah, can’t worry anymore.

Be cool.

Please be fucking cool.

* * *

“Hey! Looking sexy as ever!” Cronus called out to Meenah as she strode towards them.

“And you’re tasteless as evah.” She said. Aranea hurried up besides her. 

“Hello – Oh, hello…Karkat, right? Hi.”

“Hey.” Karkat said, running his fingers through his hair and effectively messing up any effort he’d put into it. He had found himself trying to comb it like Kankri, then getting mad at himself for trying to comb it like Kankri.

As if it wasn’t bad enough Karkat had dug out one of the few nice shirts that had ended up in his closet as hand-me-downs from Kankri. Pre-Accident of course.  He had almost changed but that’s when Cronus had shown up to pick him up and Karkat had quickly left for the night before his father could realize he wasn’t spending the night at John’s.

And now here he was, being looked over by Meenah as if she was looking for some reason to tell him to leave.

The she shrugged. “Damn you gotta thing for Jewish boys, don’t you?” She told Cronus then laughed at her own ‘joke’. “C’mon, Kurloz is coming later and Rufioh’s already here!”

“So we waited around for nothing?” Cronus asked but followed Aranea and Meenah inside with Karkat.

Karkat held his breath past the bouncer. Not because he was nervous-no he wasn’t nervous. Why would a fifteen-year-old be nervous about going past a bouncer who was supposed to see if he was twenty-one?

“Peixes.” The bouncer said.

“Hey, James.” Meenah said, leading them in.

 _So that’s how they get in. rich friends._ Karkat thought. The Peixes essentially owned half the town after all. For all he knew they owned this club. It made sense Meenah could come and go and bring who she pleased - be that her girlfriend or a whole crowd of her friends.

Once they were inside Karkat instinctively pressed closer to Cronus, as if intimidated by the music or the dim lights.

“Relax, Chief, It’s cool.” Cronus assured him. Karkat nodded and looked around a little bit more.

 “You wanna go dance? Or you too sober for that?”  Cronus asked.

“I’m gonna be sober all night.” Karkat insisted.  Meenah laughed.

“Kankri used to say that-once. He got over it fast. Oh! Aranea! Remember that time he got so shitfa-”

“-Meenah, I love the way your eyes light up when you tell stories but maybe not that one.” Aranea suggested.

“No! I wanna hear this…” Karkat said. Cronus made a strange face and quickly pulled Karkat aside.

“C’mon, Babe! Let’s just dance-I’ll tell you stories later.” He said, with a grin that looked forced to Karkat who just nodded a bit and let himself be dragged away to dance.

Karkat stumbled for a bit, unsure of how to move or how close to stay to Cronus but he found his rhythm, pressed cronus to Cronus and moving in time with him, getting both excited by and lost in the music.

He had to admit it was a lot of fun. More than he meant to have.

And Cronus looked great when the lights caught his face…

…

 _I can’t be thinking like this._ Karkat thought.

“You okay, Kanny?” Cronus asked

“What?” Karkat asked, having spaced out-and not having caught Cronus using the wrong name.

“I asked if you’re okay?”

“Yeah fine-fucking brilliant. Thirsty though.”

“When aren’t you?”

“Cronus!”

“Okay, okay, c’mon, I’ll get you a drink.” Cronus said and took hold of Karkat’s hand to lead him off the dance floor to the table where their group had begun to gather anyway.

“Ampora, you have no shame.” Meenah informed him.  “But you still have more than Rufioh.” She nodded to where the spiky haired boy was chatting with a girl Karkat didn’t recognize at the bar.   
  
“Oh, he’s fine-He’s learned his lesson he won’t try anything.” Cronus said, pulling out a chair for Karkat before going to get drinks for the group which currently consisted of himself, Karkat, Aranea, Meenah and another girl Karkat had to be introduced to and found out was a cousin of his kinda-friend Nepeta-Meulin.  
  
“Oh…Oh yeah you’re dating Kurloz Makara…right?” Karkat asked.

“Yep!” Meulin said, signing it too. “You’re friends with Gamzee, yeah?” Her voice-even shouted over the music-made it clear her deafness clear. Karkat nodded.  “That’s cool. You know ‘Loz then. He’s coming later.”  

“Oh. Okay.” Karkat said.   
  
“So. How long have you and Cronus been…hanging out?” Aranea asked carefully.

“And are you fucking?” Meenah asked.

“Uh-d-fuc-ah-That’s not your business! Honestly how pretentious do you need to be to ask questions about someone’s personal life like that?!” Karkat demanded.

“Damn, Shouty. You really are a Vantas, aren’t you?” Meenah said. “Cronus has one hell of a type.”

“...” Karkat had no clue what to say.

“It’s okay-it’s really sweet you found each other.” Meulin managed to add. “Especially since…you know.”

“Since my brother died?” Karkat snapped.

“Uh no because…well…” Meulin gestured vaguely.

“Because of what was going before he left us.” Aranea said gently.

“…What?”

“You don’t know?” Meenah asked. “He and Cronus were being really weird right before…stuff because Kankr-”

“Okay I guessed so let’s see how I did!” Cronus came back to the table with a tray of drinks, setting on of them in front of Karkat.

Karkat opened his mouth to ask what was in his drink and how Cronus managed to get it for him but decided against it. He didn’t want to be weird about it. So, he took the drink and a large gulp out of it. It felt like it was burning his throat but he choked it down then coughed.

“That’s…strong.”

“Really? It’ your favorite-and I recognize the bartender. Weird.” Cronus said, sitting down and drinking too.

 _My brother drinks-drank._ Karkat thought, disturbed by the revelation due to how straightlaced his brother had always behaved and preached himself to be…and expected Karkat to be.

“His what?” Meulin asked.

“His fa-vo-ite.” Cronus over pronounced. Aranea rolled her eyes and sighed and spelled the word out in sign language for Meulin.  “It’s the same favorite it’s always been.”

“Well how we know? We’ve never drank with Kar-” Meenah started.

“Cronus let’s go dance!” Karkat said suddenly. If Cronus was confusing him for Kankri right now and Karkat couldn’t let people know about that…yet.  The idea of it made him feel…sick…confused.

Guilty…

“Why? Babe we just sat down.” Cronus said.

“Kurloz! Hey! OVER HERE!” Meulin suddenly screeched, standing up and waving to Kurloz Makara who had just shown up. Kurloz heard her and came over and silently sat down at the table, kissing Meulin before looking directly at Cronus.

“…You know, Chief? Maybe we should go dance.” Cronus said, quickly getting up and grabbing Karkat by the hand and dragging him back to the dance floor.

“What’s wrong with you and Kurloz?” Karkat asked-having to raise his voice to-once they were dancing again.

“Nothing! Let’s just dance, Kanny, Babe!”

“…Cronus I’m Not Kankri!” Karkat said.

“What?!” Cronus said and Karkat couldn’t tell if he really could hear him or if he was just ignoring him.

“I said-Oh forget it!”

“Okay!” Cronus said and kept dancing, pressing closer to Karkat who began to feel very closed in but kept dancing anyway. His mind wasn’t on the dancing though.

His mind was piecing things together.

“…Cronus! I need to talk to you?!”

“Why? We can talk later!”

“No, we can’t! Cronus, this is important!” Karkat said, standing still on the dance floor and grabbing Cronus by his shirt. “Cronus before…The Accident What was going on with you and my brot-” Karkat’s voice was drowned out by the DJ calling out something or another.

It caught Karkat off-guard as he looked over at the DJ for the first time that night.

“Is That Dirk?!” Karkat said. He knew Dave’s older-significantly older-brother was a DJ. He even knew he worked at The Green Sun on occasion but he still hadn’t expected to see him.

Cronus looked over at the DJ and scowled. “Of course, that fucker has to be here-first damn chance I get to be here in fucking forever and he’s fucking here! COULDN’T WORK ANOTHER NIGHT, STRIDER!?” Cronus snapped.

“Calm down!” Karkat said, tugging on Cronus’s sleeve. “Are you drunk already? You hardly had anything and Dirk is just doing his job-”

“-Don’t you fucking defend him after what you two did to me-to us!”

“What _we_ did?!” Karkat said. “Cronus what are you talking about!?”

“You’re still gonna deny it?!” Cronus snapped.  “You never used to be like this, Kankri!”

Karkat swore he could see red.

“You know what, Ampora? FUCK THIS!” He shouted and stormed away, pushing past people to get away from Cronus

“This was such a shitty idea, why would I want to come to a place like this anyway? With him? God I’m an idiot…”

Karkat was looking for the exit or a bathroom but he ended up at the bar first. It was still a place he could sit down so sit he did.

“Hey! I haven’t seen you in here a while-college kicking your ass?” The bartender approached Karkat.

“No I’m n-I graduated.” Karkat said at realizing firstly that even this bartender thought he was his brother and secondly that he didn’t have the energy to correct him. “So it’s work that’s been a pain.”

“Oh man do I ever get that. Hey, your boyfriend opened a tab want me to put your regular on it?”

 _He’s not gonna card me…he wasn’t gonna card Kankri-no way was Kankri passing for 21 without ID_ Karkat thought.

“You alive in there?”

“Oh-Sorry I’m…I’m really weird tonight. Sure. That sounds good.”

The bartender nodded and moved to make the drink. Karkat looked out over the dance floor. He could see that Cronus had made his way back to the table and was talking to Meenah who looked vaguely annoyed.  But the rest of the group seemed to be enjoying themselves.

The group…but not his group…

Karkat pulled out his phone and began scrolling through his texts, noting how long it had been since he’d said more than two words to all the people he considered himself close to and trying to remember when he’d said anything much in person either.

None of it was very recent…

…except Cronus.

Karkat faced the bar again and reached for the closest drink and impulsively gulped down most of it…this wasn’t the same drink hed’ had before.

“Uh, Hey, that _was_ mine-the one over there is yours.” A young woman told Karkat as she sat back down, pointing to an untouched Drink to Karkat’s left.

“Oh Shi-I’m sorry.” Karkat said.

“Whatever-how about I take this one, ” the young woman reached across Karkat and took his drink. “And we call it good?”

“Sure. Whatever.” Karkat said and looked away from her, drinking the rest of what was now his drink.

After a few minutes, he noticed he felt…weird. He assumed he was tipsy and finished the drink.

Then it got worse. The music started sounding strange…the lights looked weird…he felt very ill.

Karkat got up and began stumbling through the building, trying to find the bathroom, positive he was gonna puke. But he kept getting turned around and mixed about and suddenly he paused just….

…..

Where was he again?

Who were these people?

Where those his hands?

“Kankri!” Karkat snapped back to reality…sort of. At least enough to feel Cronus gripping his shoulders and looking at him. “What the hell-are you okay? Kanny? Babe?”

“….No I’m not….I’m not.”

“You’re not okay-I get it, let’s get outta here-come on!”

“No I’m not Kank-get away!” Karkat said, suddenly feeling very panicked he yanked away from Cronus and stumble-ran away.

The club around him became a blur of colors.

And then he was on the floor, trying to breath.

And that was all he remembered.

* * *

Kanny babe oh fuck where’d you go?

God I shouldn’t have brought you here-or let you get upset I’m sorry…I’m so sorry.

God I’m such a fuck up…I should have dragged you out to dance again.

I was so worried Kurloz would tell you what happened-with all that sign language mumbo jumbo he could tell you before I even knew!

I’m such an ass…

Hey, the DJ changed, where’d ‘Dick’ Strider go?

There he is!...And Meenah and Aranea?

And you…

Are you breathing?

Oh, no Kanny Babe no!

Don’t leave me…not again.


	8. Chapter 8

I passed out one time when I was nine from being out in the sun without drinking anything for too long. Mom got super worried. Kankri sat by me while he was laying on the couch with a stupid ‘I told you so’ speech all prepared.

He used to have a lot of those.

He would definitely have one now given I’ve just woken up on a strange couch in a strange apartment feeling like death.

Or maybe not since apparent he was a regular drinker by age eighteen at a club where I think I may have been drugged?

So..where am I?

* * *

Karkat sat up and looked around, trying to not panic.

“Hey you’re awake.” A voice said behind him. Karkat yelped and tried to scramble away and succeeded in getting tangled in the blanket over his lower half and fell off the couch. “Whoa, calm down man, you’re all good. Or at least I think you are.” The owner of the voice came around the front fo the couch, set a glass of water on the coffee table and helped Karkat up.

“…Dirk.” Karkat said. “…So I’m at…your place?”

Dirk nodded and offered Karkat the glass of water. “Here. Drink this then I’m gonna get you more. You puked pretty hard last night and I got a few glasses of water in you but you’re probably still dehydrated-and hungry. You hungry?”

“How did I get here?” Karkat asked after easily finishing the water as he realized how thirsty he was.

“With great difficulty. Did you by chance leave your drink unattended last night?” Dirk asked.

“No…I didn’t drink my drink I drank…some random girl’s…”

“Did she leave hers unattended because you were not there nearly long enough to get falling-down drunk.” Dirk said. “And you should sit back down-I’ll be right back.

Dirk left the room and came back with another glass of water and a bottle of apple juice.  “Drink both.

“I was drugged…Really?” Karkat asked. “With what?” Dirk shrugged. “That still doesn’t explain how I ended up here.”

“I was just getting done for the night and I noticed you with Cronus earlier so I wanted to find you before I left to say ‘What the hell?’-by the why, What the hell?-and instead you ran into me in the literal sense, babbling something weird about a car crash, puked on my shoes and that’s about when the Nitram dude found me who got Aranea because apparently he didn’t want to deal with you and we decided I should take you home because I was leaving anyway and someone your old man knew. Cronus found us about then and almost pitched a fit and said some weird shit but that’s when scary mute guy-Kurloz I think-showed up and Cronus shut up pretty damn fast.” Dirk explained.

“You didn’t take me home though.”

“I got the impression your parents probably had no clue where you really were and I’m not a snitch. Plus I want to know what you were doing with that crowd in that place. They’re already a bunch of idiots hiding behind the Peixes fortune and fake ID’s just to get in and get a beer and you’re…what? Sixteen? Karkat nodded.  “I thought so. So what are you doing? Also about that weird stuff I said Cronus said-”

“-He called me Kankri didn’t he?” Karkat before drinking more water, trying to not be sick.

Dirk nodded and stared at Karkat. “….this si the part where you explain.”

“…Why should I? you’re not my dad-you’re not even my friend.” Karkat said, looking away.

“no but Dave is and he’s been bumming around here in a mopey mood because apparently, you did something. Or maybe you didn’t do something. Getting him to talk is like teaching a pig to sing. Also, you puked on my shoes. That’s nasty. I think I’m owed an explanation.” Dirk said.

Karkat was silent for almost a minute before managing to speak. “You know how you and Dave came to Kankri’s funeral?”

“Yeah?” Dirk said.

“You know how...how Cronus wasn’t there?” Karkat said, shaky-voiced.

“Yeah?”

“Well…three weeks later he showed up at our door….” Karkat said and slowly managed to explain everything between gulps of water and juice.  How he’d let Cronus call him Kankri because he could tell him about his brother. How they had some kind of relationship. What had happened with Dave. And finally, that he’d decided to go to the club despite his conversation with Gamzee.

“And the stuff Eridan said to me and stuff Cronus said with what Meenah and Aranea and Meulin were saying I…Something happened before Kankri died and…it happened with you…didn’t it?” Karkat gulped. “…Was my brother cheating on Cronus?”

Dirk had listened in silence the whole time. “If he was it wasn’t with me.” Dirk said. “But I know Cronus thought Kankri and I were up to something. I’ve known Cronus since he was a little kid and we’ve never really got along. But your brother and I started being friends when he started going to my college. We have-sorry…had…we had a lot in common.  We started hanging out a lot. And I was helping him with some classes I’d taken before him. Two night before that guy hit he was over here. All night, actually. Nothing happened though we studied for a while then watched some pretentious intellectual movie that he pretended to enjoy for the first half then we mocked without mercy for the last forty minutes then at like, six in the morning he decided to go home to get some rest before his classes that afternoon…and that was the last time I saw him alive.” Dirk sighed and looked at the floor then at Karkat.  “Can I tell you something?”

“Please do.” Karkat said.

“well, two things actually. Word on the street is Cronus was the cheater. Or at least that he tried to.”

“…With Kurloz?” Karkat said. It would explain why the man had made Cronus so nervous so quickly.

“Don’t know that part.” Dirk said. “the second thing is you’re really fucked up.”

“What?”

“You’re dating-and it is dating don’t argue shut your mouth- _your dead brother’s probably unfaithful boyfriend._ For what? A few anecdotes about Kankri’s teenage years? You can’t even prove anything Cronus tell you is true. He was a huge liar when we were kids I doubt he’s changed.”

“…I…I…I just…wanted to be close to my brother…we weren’t when he was alive-All we did was fight! I thought maybe…I just wanted to know him better…” Karkat said, feeling like he was grasping at straws.

“Well guess what?” Dirk said, voice calm. “You will never get to be close to him. That chance is gone forever and all you can do is regret it, come to terms with it and move beyond it only to regret it again at random times in the future. Nothing you can say or do with Cronus or that he can tell you will make you close to your brother or bring him back. So stop messing with his head letting him believe your Kankri, messing with my brother by choosing Cronus over him when I don’t think you really want Cronus and stop deluding yourself into believing anything you’re doing is a good idea.” Dirk said. “or at least, that’s my opinion. Or maybe it’s cold hard truth. I get those two confused a lot according to my ex.”

“I need the bathroom.”

“End of the hall.” Dirk said and Karkat took off running for it.

He ended up puking, drinking a lot of water, splashing some on his face, using the bathroom for its intended purpose, drinking more water and drying his face.

He was shaking but not crying.  He didn’t want to.

He knew Dirk was right. Hurtful and blunt but right.

This was messed up.

It needed to stop right now.

It occurred to Karkat to check his phone. Luckily his dad-or mom-hadn’t tried to reach him. He had told his dad he would be spending the night at Gamzee’s so it wasn’t that surprising he hadn’t been missed.

He also had an obscene number of texts and ten missed calls. All from Cronus.

Karkat read them all and listened to every Message.

He counted the number of times he was called ‘Kanny’, ‘Kankri’, ‘Babe’, ‘Doll’, or any other pet name besides ‘Chief’. Everyone was called Chief by Cronus that wasn’t special. That rest were.

And they were used forty-three times.

He counted the number of times Cronus told bits of stories. Lures to pull him back in.

It was like a revelation to Karkat in a way. How fake this all suddenly seemed when just yesterday Cronus doing this might’ve seemed endearing or at least let Karkat confused and wondering enough to go after Cronus…if only to get the ends of those stories.   
  
Karkat took a deep breath, thought and then texted Cronus something, got up and left the bathroom.

“Uh, hey Dirk? Thanks for the ouch and water and reality check but I sh-Dave.” Karkat didn’t see Dave until he stood up from where he was sitting on the couch. Dirk was nowhere in sight.

“Hey.” Dave said.

“Uhm…hey. Why’re you here?” Karkat asked.

“I live here.” Dave said. “Oh and Dirk stepped out to go get some energy drinks from the gas station.”

“great...you don’t live here.” Karkat said.

“Yeah I do.”

“No you live with your other brother-the older one.”

“I did before my mom tried to get me to come live with her again and I got in a fight with my bro about it and he kicked me out because I said living with an alcoholic mother would be better than living with him. Too bad that was a lie. But living with him wasn’t much good either. So, I’m crashing here. Which you would know if you weren’t off getting drunk with rich kids in sketchy clubs.”

“…Dave…I am so sorry for…everything. Can you give me a chance to explain?” Karkat asked, feeling himself shaking again.

“Sure.” Dave said, arms crossed. “How about starting with the part where you’re dating Cronus?”

“Dirk Told you?!” Karkat said.

“No. John did.” Karkat gave Dave a funny look.  “Karkat it’s 1pm and a lot can happen in a morning. Mainly Vriska can overhear her older cousin’s phone call and decide to tell John about it who blew up my phone to such a level I thought it was going to blow up in the literal sense.

“…Dave just forget whatever the told you. I want you to know what is really going on. I owe you that.” Karkat said and launched back into the same explanation he gave Dirk, but with less trembling and pauses.

“-And it was all a stupid mistake I’m putting an end to in a few hours.”

“How?” Dave asked. Karkat handed Dave his phone after pulling up his texts with Cronus.  “Ah.” Dave said and handed the phone back. “One question.”

“Yes?”

“Do you want some backup?”

“You’d do that for me?” Karkat asked.

“fuck yeah, man. You’re my main dude, my best bro. I won’t leave you hanging.”

“…thanks.” Karkat smiled faintly. “…Dave?”

“Yeah?”

“I uhm…Dave before this whole thing started. And During it I…look I really liked you and I still do and…” Karkat gestured vaguely. “…and I know I flushed that whole possibility of anything with you down the toilet but I just really want you to know I was fucking with your feelings with the kiss.”

“I never thought you were.” Dave said. “And you haven’t flushed your chances. But let’s get you out of this relationship before we talk about ours, sound cool?”

“Definitely.” Karkat said and moved to hug Dave.

“Don’t be gay.” Dave said with a smirk but then Hugged Karkat tightly and for a long time before letting go. “If you’re cool to wait I’ll bet Dirk would let me borrow his car.”

“I’m good to wait.” Karkat said. “…I need to make a stop on the way though. Is that okay?”

“We’ll make it work.” Dave said, his tone implying he was referring to more than one ‘It’. Karkat nodded.

It was time to put this to rest.

* * *

I’m here, Babe. I’m still worried about you.

Where are you? You said you wanted to meet me here. Dunno why.

Graveyards are creepy as fuck. I don’t want to think about being old and dead while I’m still young and hot, y’know?

Oh hey, this dude has the same last name as.

...And the same first name. Weird. Didn’t know it was a family name.

Oh, here you come. Thank god, I was getting worried about you.

Who’s that with you?


	9. Chapter 9

I feel like I should feel worse.

It’s the first time I’ve been here since the burial.  Dad pretty much had to drag me to the car. I wasn’t crying or anything.

I just wasn’t ready to leave Kankri but it was cold out and getting dark.

So we left.

I…never really planned on coming back this soon. But this is where this needs to happen

* * *

“Babe what’s up? What’s that asshole doing here?” Cronus said, hands shoved in the pockets of his leather jacket as Karkat and Dave approached him.

“He’s here because I want him here. And Gamzee’s in the car-we stopped by his place because I needed to talk to Kurloz before we had this talk.”

“What? Why? Chief, that guy is a weirdo you know.” Cronus said.

“I really can’t debate that-Kurloz is a fucking weirdo.” Karkat said.  “But with Gamzee translating out the sign language we had a good chat. I know everything.”

Cronus seemed to almost visibly shrink. “Nothing happened…he told you that-didn’t he? Nothing happened…”

“No. Nothing happened because _He_ is a more decent guy than you. He wouldn’t cheat on Meulin but you were gonna cheat just to get back at K-”

“-I know what you were up to with Dirk! You can’t lie about that!” Cronus said. “Are you fucking with both Striders now?!” he pointed to Dave.

“Kankri and Dirk were friends and study partners! Nothing else! Kankri would never cheat but you tried to cheat on him! You wanted to get back at him for cheating on you when you had no proof he ever did!”

“I had proof! They were always hanging out!” Cronus said.

“That’s no proof.” Karkat said. “you’re so insecure you couldn’t be bothered to believe your own boyfriend?  That’s pathetic.”

“What the hell is your point, Kankri?” Cronus huffed.

“My point is I’m Not Kankri!” Karkat said and gestured to the gravestone.  “Read those fucking dates! Ninety-eight to two-thousand-and-sixteen! That’s where Kankri is! He’s in the ground he’s dead nad neither of us ever get to say goodbye or sorry! I’m Karkat! I’ve been Karkat for months! I’m not gonna play this Game anymore Cronus!”

“Kanny-“ Cronus reached for Karkat but Karkat backed away.

“Not Kankri. Karkat. His under-aged brother. Stop deluding yourself we both know how this started….I wanted to know my brother better but I can’t trust a thing you say…and I don’t love you. Because I’m not Kankri. He’s down there-he’d dead he’s buried and you couldn’t even come to the funeral! You’re a selfish, delusional worthless prick and I can’t believe I listened to you! If you were willing to think I was Kankri you never deserved him!”

“Whoa man, calm down.” Dave put a hand on Karkat’s shoulder.  “It’s enough. Let’s just go I think he got the message.”

Cronus glared at them then launched himself at Dave, hitting him repeatedly before Dave managed to shove him off with Karkat also pulling him off.  Cronus stumbled but then grabbed Karkat by the wrist.

“You can’t leave me. You need me.”

“…No. I _wanted_ my brother…I never wanted to be him.” Karkat managed to pull away. “You were right Dave, let’s go.” Karkat said and quickly walked away with Dave back to the car.

“Karbro are you okay? You look sick.” Gamzee said when they got back in the car.

“I’ll be okay I just want to go home.” Karkat said far more quietly than he normally spoke, getting into the back seat of the car with Dave and leaning against him for the ride while Gamzee drove.  Dave put an arm around him as they drove but didn’t try to talk. It wasn’t what Karkat needed.

Gamzee got out of the car when they got to Karkat’s to hug him tightly.

“You did the right thing.” He told Karkat.

“I really hope so.”

“Better to be you than be with him.” Gamzee insisted before letting go.  “You gonna be okay if Dave and I take off?”

Karkat nodded. “Don’t kill each other.”

“No promise on that, brother!” Gamzee said with a laugh but a genuine smile for Karkat before getting back in the car and driving away.

Karkat watched them drive away before going inside.

“Dad?”

“Karkat, you’re home.” His dad stepped out of the kitchen. “Are you staying around for the afternoon?”

“That’s a plan.”

“Alright I’ll make dinner then.”

“Really?” Karkat asked

“You say that like it’s a shock.” Karkat’s father thought about that. “…Maybe it has been lately But…You know, Karkat.  We’re still a family here. Maybe we need to start acting like it again.”

Karkat nodded. “Yeah…I’d really like that…I have homework to get done, sorry.” He felt like he might cry. It had been a long day.

“It’s alright, get your schoolwork done I’ll call you down to set the table later.” Karkat was told before the teen went to his room.

He looked around and walked over to his desk and took Kankri’s sweater off his chair, holding it for a while before going to Kankri’s old room, opening the closet then opening one of the boxes inside. Karkat carefully folded the sweater, put in inside, closed the box back up along with the closet before leaving the room and shutting the door.

* * *

Babe?

Babe….

God you’re really down there in that grave, aren’t you?

And Karkat….

God I’m such an idiot.

I just…

I want you back.

Maybe I can die and be with you.

….

Nah, we wouldn’t end up in the same places. You really believed all that Jewish stuff but I never could get my head around the whole ‘God’ thing. The last time I went to church was back when I’d go to Mass because mom would make me-Rest in Peace.

Rest in Peace…

People say that about you now.

No….

But I mean, Karkat’s so much like you maybe…

…he’ll never speak to me again. And you’d be furious with me, wouldn’t you, babe?

Kanny I’m so sorry.

Please forgive me.

…I should go home.

But I can’t.

I just wish I could say sorry.

Let me say sorry.

Karkat won’t answer his phone.

If he won’t talk to me how am I supposed to know if you forgive me?

I’ll just sit here until he picks up.

Or until Hell freezes over. Whatever comes first.

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

It’s been a while since Kankri died.

What? Were you expecting a count to the minute? I could give you one. But it’s not really important, is it?

I survived the rest of my sophomore year of highschool. I got off of my temps and Have a real driver’s license now. Which I promptly had to use to drive Gamzee to the ER to get stitches in his face. Dumbass.

Dave and I started going out in June. He was really weird about it though. He wanted to talk to my dad about it first. Thank fuck my dad’s a more liberal kind of Jew and was fine with it. I mean, I wasn’t too worried because I know he was fine with Cronus.

Cronus. Who I have not spoken to since…everything.  He’s tried to talk to me but I blocked his number, anywhere I could find him online (or he could find me) and may have asked Kurloz (and Meenah and Dirk and Rufioh and Rufioh’s scary ex-girlfriend) to make it very clear to him to leave me alone after the one time he tried to come to my house. I wasn’t home and neither was dad I only found out because he tried to call me from a different number afterward and left a message.

To be fair…there have been a lot of days I’ve wanted to see him or call him or text him. Days I’ve wanted to go get Kankri’s sweater out of that box. Days where I would’ve loved to start deluding myself into believing I was closer to Kankri by stealing his life again.

But I held out and remembered my real friends and my real life. 

Now here we are. September. Back at school. Junior year. Yaaayyyy.

Well, I’ll survive it. I always do. Besides, it’s all the same people. Not like this year will be any different.

* * *

“Kar.” Karkat startle at hearing a familiar voice in an odd place. He shut his locker and turned to face the speaker.

“Eridan? Why are you here?”

“I go to school here and I want you to show me where my class is.” Eridan said, holding out a sheet with his schedule to Karkat.

“Why do you go to school here though? Did Rich Catholic snob-school kick you out like Gamzee?”

Eridan scoffed.  “Of course not! I decided to come here.”

“Yeah and your dad let you.” Karkat rolled his eyes. “I don’t buy that. And your class is this way.” Karkat began to lead Eridan down the hall.  “What actually happened?”

“….Father didn’t want me in a situation where I would be stigmatized.” Eridan said.

“The fuck does that mean?” Karkat asked. Eridan raised an eyebrow.

“They let you swear out loud here?”

“It’s public school we don’t have nuns leering over our shoulders I’ll say what I fucking please.”

“There weren’t any nuns at my old school….and it means that among the people at that school there were a lot of rumors going around because of this summer about my family and I didn’t want to deal with. Or rather, my father didn’t. So I’m going here for a month or two until he straightens it out. That’s all.”

“Wait.” Karkat stopped and faced Eridan. “What happened?”

“You don’t know?” Eridan said. “I…Sorry I assumed someone told you-I figured you’d know. How could you not I mean-“

“-Just tell me.”

“Cronus is currently institutionalized….” Eridan said quietly. “…it’s for his own good.

“What?” Karkat felt his stomach clench. “Why?”

“Guess.” Eridan scoffed. “You hung around him enough to see what he could get like and guess what? It got worse. To the point where I couldn’t get him to snap back to reality and father just kept ignoring it and slapping him around instead of helping him until finally Cronus…well he crashed his car. On purpose. After lighting a bonfire on our patio which is fortunately stone but unfortunately does not contain a fire pit of any kind.”

“What did he burn?” Karkat asked.

“A guitar, a hat, books, a lot of photos and a computer.” Eridan said. “…he loved that guitar…”

The bell rang. Eridan looked around. “So where’s my class?”

Karkat pointed numbly to the room two doors down from where they stood.  Eridan nodded and ran for it. Karkat walked to his class, ignored the ‘I’ll let you off with a warning but- ” lecture he received for being late and sat not thinking about school through almost all his classes that day. Instead his time was devoted to thinking about Cronus far more intensely than he had in months.

“Hey.” Dave sat down by Karkat at lunch. “What’s up?”

“…I just talk to Eri-“

“Hey!” John came over and sat by them, smiling. “First day back! Did you know we have a new History teacher this year? He’s kinda freaky.”

Karkat nodded. “Yeah I have him too. I swear that dude is not right in the head. Someone dropped him as a baby.” Karkat was close to John, sure. But he didn’t need him worrying about Cronus.

Karkat didn’t need himself worrying about Cronus.

And yet, he did.

He didn’t get the chance to talk to Dave about it again that day, but he did bring it up to Gamzee when he gave the other boy a ride home.

“-And it shouldn’t matter, right? It’s not my fault he fell off the deep end. If I’d stuck around he might’ve dragged me down with him and I’m so much happier now-I’m better!”

“Yeah. You are. Maybe that’s why you feel guilty that he isn’t.” Gamzee said.

“I don’t feel guilty!”

“I think a brother feels guilty from how you’ve been talking.” Gamzee said.  “But even if you don’t you still obviously care something about Cronus.”

“…Maybe. I don’t know!” Karkat said, turning onto Gamzee’s street. “…I should just forget about it. That’s gonna be hard to do with Eridan hanging around though.”

“Then don’t forget about it. Accept that it’s happening.” Gamzee said. “Maybe you can go see him.”

“See Cronus? Oh, hell no I’m not doing that.” Karkat parked in front of Gamzee’s house.

“Why not? Maybe it’s how you let go.” Gamzee unbuckled and moved to get out of the car.

“I have let go!”

“Really? Because if a brother had really let go then wouldn’t he be able to say ‘oh that’s too bad’ and not think so big about Cronus? Then again, you overthink a lot.”

“You think thinking at all is overthinking.” Karkat said. Gamzee shrugged.

“Maybe I do. And maybe you need to see Cronus again to put this in the ground, Karbro. Up to you. See you tomorrow!” Gamzee shut the car door and went inside.

Karkat waited until he was inside before driving away and driving home.

By the time, he got home he had made up his mind and called Eridan.

“Hey-it’s Karkat. Uhm…so…weird question? Can Cronus have visitors?”

* * *

Karkat felt tense walking down the hall with Eridan and a nurse. Hospitals were a little unnerving to him just on principle but now in particular Karkat felt anxious just about walking down the hall through the psychiatric ward.

“Cronus? You have visitors.” The nurse said as she let them into the room.

Cronus was sitting on his bed reading. Karkat was surprised-partially because he looked the same. Not tired or thinner or scarred up and down the arms like he had someone expected to see

Cronus looked up from his book. “Kan-Karkat...Hey Eridan…Hey Karkat…” Karkat was at a loss for words when Cronus turned to face them. He could see something different now-two particularly nasty looking scars on Cronus’s left temple.

“Hey.” Karkat said. Eridan looked to Nurse. “Can we have a minute?”

She nodded and left. Eridan stayed for all of fifteen second before slipping out into the hall too, leaving Cronus and Karkat alone.

“So, why’re you here?” Cronus asked, not looking at Karkat. Karkat came and sat by the bed.

‘I wanted to see how you were doing. Eridan told me you were here.”

“You felt bad for me?” Cronus asked although it sounded rather like a statement.

“No! Maybe…I wanted to see how you were.”

“I’ve been hospitalized because I’m a threat to my own safety and because I’m delusional.” Cronus said, finally looking over at Karkat again. “both are true. How’s that for how I’m doing?”

“…Eridan said you burnt your guitar.” Karkat said.  Cronus nodded. “Why? You used to play it all the time. Or at least you did when I was around.”

“I couldn’t stand looking at it. Or the other shit I burned.” 

“And what? You couldn’t be bothered to just throw it away or give it Goodwill or something instead?”

“You know I don’t have to explain myself to you!” Cronus snapped. Karkat glared.

“No, you don’t. And I don’t have to hang around either.” He said, standing up.

“Hey, wait.” Cronus said, getting up too. “I’m sorry. It’s hard to see you. I think…I think it’s good to though. I mean, I know it’s you…I get that Kankri’s...gone.” Karkat nodded. “And that the conditions I put out there for you to find out stories about him from me were wrong.” Karkat nodded again. “But you went along with them.”

“Which was wrong of me. I’m sorry.” Karkat said. “I wanted to know my brother better.

“I get that which is why I have to say I’m sorry.” Cronus said. “For all that stuff and for maybe things I said…I don’t exactly remember everything I told you? I have some blank spots in my memory. My psychologist and I were thinking maybe I’ve been blocking out whenever I thought I did something wrong or lied? So maybe that’s why?”

“You mean all those things you told me about Kankri might’ve been bullshit anyway?” Karkat asked, clenching his fists to stay calm.

“Not all of it. Just some of it.” Cronus said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m sorry.”

“Me too.” Karkat said, looking Cronus in the eyes. “...Did you really love him?”

“I think so.” Cronus said. “But I still had my problems then-he knew about them by the way. He helped stand up to my dad to get the meds I needed because my dad really didn’t believe I was doing anything but being a btich for attention until…well until I had an impromptu bonfire and gave myself these.” Cronus pointed to his scars and laughed mirthlessly.  “But yeah, I was still paranoid and delusional and occasionally suicidal when Kanny and I were together . And before he went we had been fighting a lot…so I got paranoid he was cheating until I got delusional that he really was…so I tried to get him back…Which he found out about the night he…he….” Cronus looked away. “God I’m so sorry.”

“I’m not who you need to apologize to.” Karkat said. “Look, I didn’t get to make my peace either. Kankri and I were always bitching at each other about something. And now I never get to grow up and prove to him I didn’t have to be a brat about everything. So, I get it a little bit. But you still fucked up.”

Cronus nodded. “Yeah. But I didn’t need to do bad by you too.” He looked back to Karkat and held out a hand to him. “I didn’t need to help you waste months on someone who didn’t love you…and who I don’t think you loved either. Forgive me?”

“…I forgive you.” Karkat said and shook Cronus hand.

And he realized as he did he felt nothing.

Not the anger that had begun to build when Cronus admitting to lying. Or cheating. Not the pity at realizing so much of what Cronus had done might be bad brain chemistry

He let go of Cronus’s hand.

“I should go. See you around.”

“You sure? You’re free to hang around.” Cronus offered.

“Thanks but I have homework to get done if I wanna go to Dave’s later.”

“Dave Strider?” Cronus asked.  Karkat nodded.

“Yeah, him. We’re dating.”

“Oh. Uhm...congrats.” Cronus said but sounded bitter faintly.

“Thanks.” Karkat ignored the bitterness. “See you.” And he left.

Karkat ran into Eridan on his way out. “You’re leaving?” Eridan asked. Karkat nodded.

“We would’ve started talking in circles if I stayed longer. And I dunno…he got his chance to say sorry, I got my chance to say sorry, I think his being around me any more than that wouldn’t be a great idea.”

“Maybe.” Eridan said. “I’ll see you at school then. I’m stuck there until the end of the semester it seems.”

“Suck it up, you’ll survive.” Karkat said. “…take care of him. Cronus.”

“If I could he wouldn’t be here.” Eridan said. “Bye then.”

“Bye. See you.” Karkat said and kept walking until he was out of the building.

His phone rang and he answered.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Karkles, babe.”

“Babe?” Karkat laughed. “since when do you call me that?”

“thought I’d try it and now I think I’ll never say it again.” Dave said on the other end of the line. “It doesn’t fit you.”

“No. it really doesn’t.” Karkat said. “Anyway, I’ll be over soon so we can study together.”

“sounds good, see you soon.”

“See you. Dave?”

“What’s up?”

“I love you.”

“That’s gay.”

“Oh shut up!”

Dave laughed. “I love you too, Karkat. Seriously. I’ll see you soon, Bye. Love you.”

“Bye, Dave.” Karkat said and hung up before getting in his car and driving away from the hospital.

 

**THE END**


End file.
